"It's like finding a pattern for where each raindrop falls in a thunderstorm--you're never going to find it".
It's kinda funny how much life will operate on swells. One moment, everything feels like a nice, everyday kind of routine, and then a week later, your grandma dies, you find out another family member has a life-threatening sickness that the doctors don't know how to fix since they don't know what it is, you find the person you love, you find the person you like, and/or you buy your first pair of tights all in one week. Even once you start getting an idea of how the waves come in life, life changes its game on you and turns itself in to a kiddie pool in the middle of a tsunami.
Ever since I started realizing how much life is like a battle against an arrogant child bent on ruining your mood and your only real weapon against the kid is being happy anyway, I started living life and looking back at everything I do presently and in the past in 3rd person. I am constantly thinking about why I'm doing something the way I'm doing it in the middle of doing it, while comparing how I did it when I was younger. Do you follow me? Well, I hate Twitter too.
Because of the way I think, I over-think. The simplest situations are the most complex mazes inside my head once they've been through my thought processes: torn apart, put back together backwards, recycled, picked up again, redone, and then thrown away in to storage, kinda like throwing a Pokemon in Bill's PC. Everyone knows the Pokemon in Bill's PC never see the light of your gameboy again. But when it does, you appreciate it once more and you get surprised finding the Pokemon in Bill's PC because you don't even remember catching it.
I know. Pretty retarded.
I'm not changing that though. Because of my way of thinking, I've been able to keep every memory fresh from constantly comparing every experience that I have now with once that are even vaguely related. It means I can keep myself in check, it means I can compare what I was to what I am.
It's weird knowing how much I've changed, or at least having an idea of how much I've changed. It's like imagining yourself as the elementary school student you used to be but meeting the you that you are now... constantly.
If you've read my posts before, I mentioned in a previous post how I was building self-confidence for the first time in my life. Up until that point, I've lived my life allowing myself to be stepped on and hurt in every level relationship I've ever been in; I was fine with the fact that by letting myself get walked over, the people I cared about never got hurt by me--I was a tool that only had a function to make you smile. I was that nice guy.
But I'm different now.
As much as people say that everyone wants a nice guy, they don't. Society needs you to be confident, have swag like a jerk. Have swag like a jerk but not be a jerk. Act like a jerk without being one. Be a nice jerk.
Doesn't make sense? I don't get it either.
In every new relationship I'm getting in now, I'm horribly scared of the fact that I can hurt the other person. I'm still that little kid inside that just wants you to smile. But now... just the fact that I know I can make you feel pain horrifies me. It's like stepping on to a frozen pond you're not familiar with and you're not sure where the boundaries are for where the thin ice is. Would be fine if I was the only one that fell in to the freezing water, considering I was the one who jumped on to the pond in the first place, except, you're on this pond with me.
I haven't found that balance yet. [Reference to Sixth post].
I'm sorry to all those I've hurt already, and sorry to those I might hurt in the future. I'm doing my best and I promise I'll dive in after you; even if it kills me. But no matter what, still remember that that kid is still in here and that kid still just wants to see you smile.
Have a good day world.
☮♥
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