Seventh Post.

You ever wonder whether or not life is real? Ever wonder if life is really like a movie, and you're Jim Carey, and everyone else are just extras put in place to influence your decisions for the next plot twist? Then you just cast it out of your head once you realize how self-centered that would be to truly believe in? Whether or not it's true, I'm not very fond of my director.

"Waking up only hurts when you know you've stopped dreaming".

That's what I decided to be my senior quote in the yearbook. Lately, I've been reprioritizing everything, questioning every ounce of me and what I believe in. If you read my posts, you've realized that I am dependent. And because of these posts, I've realized that I need to do something about it. I've always put it off, procrastinated, made an excuse, an alibi. Some of them are even pretty valid excuses. But then again, when is an excuse ever justified?

I've realized that I am dependent because I don't have self-confidence.

I know that the only way to gain self-confidence is through yourself, and if you don't have it, then that means the only person in your way is the person you see in the mirror everytime you look. But that's the thing. I know I'm talented. I know I've been able to achieve a lot of things at an early age. But, the line between being self-confident and becoming conceited is a line that I can't quite place anymore.

I started building self-confidence last year, when I started acknowledging what I was really capable of. It felt good. I truly didn't need a crutch; I could walk around without a limp. But as soon as I did, the few friends I have (because at this point, mostly everyone are just aquaintences) saw me as cocky; a Ulyber that they never knew. They threw out everything that they had learned about me over the past three years in the few months that I allowed myself the luxury of believing in myself; I was seen as a jerk.

I lean on other people because that's where I find my confidence. I know it's not healthy. Going where I need to go, jerks are as common as grains of sand on a beach. I don't want to be that. I'm horrified of the possibility of turning in to that.

So that's why I've screwed up, why I've been a machine that needs to be constantly fed coal to produce a product, no matter how bad the cause and effect relationship is. But now, I've decided.

I'm changing. I will be self-confident. I don't know how this is going to change me, or if it even will, but I will find that line, regardless of how many pairs of glasses I needed to wear to finally unblur the divide between cocky and confident; it will be clear by the time that I'm finished. I have a goal, an aspiration, a dream, and I've realized, beleiving in myself doesn't just mean believing in my abilities; I just need to believe that I can do this without turning in to Mr. Hyde.

Some people will hate me for this, just as my own friends did as I grew in confidence. But, at this point, I'd rather have them hate me off the bat, than to hurt them later on when they realize that my burden is my burden to carry, when they've become too close to ever let go.

I'm never going to be able to do this alone. I'm not Drizzy Drake; I want this ish forever but I'm not afraid to say that I'm not doing this alone. I'm a toddler riding my first bicycle; I'm still going to need help riding in the right direction. I hope you will stay along for the ride.

Thank you all for still caring. Let's just call this an IOU.