Vent Session 2

It's funny when people try to say that you don't know what you have until you've lost it. I think it's funny because I've only now realized that regardless if you know what you had, you'll still feel lost without it.

"It's for the best... right?"

I'm a dependent person.

Ha. You have no idea how long it's taken me to just be able to go off outright and say that. I'm dependent. I can't... hold myself up as much as I thought I've taught myself to. I can't go through my day without trying to please someone, entertain them. And yet, I know I can't afford to live like this.

Sometimes... I'm just at a loss of words. Sometimes, I just can't... express whats going through my head. I started writing this entry expecting myself to write something, but I can't. This is one of those times. So, lets just try to pour this out.

Decisions are flying around in my head, desperately trying to find loopholes like they were airbubbles; it feels like I'm drowning underneath a frozen pond. But the catch is, everything's upside down. The air bubbles are really just water, and I'm really just standing up, and I'm really just desperately trying to find a way to drown myself. Whether you were air or water, I'm afraid of the fact that you were either one, considering the importance of either item.

I think everyone's been at a point where they've been given something and had it taken away, or they gave it back themselves. Either way, it's a screwed situation. Even when it's the smarter idea.

It sucks to understand why someone should give it away, where someone is coming from, agreeing with their logic, agreeing that its the smarter/best idea, but still disagreeing with every ounce of body and soul inside you. It's like eating vegetables. Times 9 billion.

I know what I've lost, but at the same time, it keeps feeling like I'm losing more and more. On the other hand I know what I can gain, too. But is it worth it? I promised myself I'd make this easier, not harder, but this is just going to revolve around and around in my head until I get this out.

It scares me how alike we are, but at the same time so different... I guess you being strong enough to face this head on will only force me to, too, huh?

It's for the best, isn't it?

In a perfect world, I'd be able to just close my eyes and until time gave an answer. And, taken your role, you could just wake me up.

But then again... in a perfect world, you'd be there to fall asleep with me.