Eleventh Post.

Happy first of the month. My last post was almost three years ago. Well, that's completely irrelevant to everything, so here we go with the real introduction.

When I think about things that end up changing my life, or things that teach me the most necessary things, I think about people, important memories, or really small, simple things. You can then imagine my embarrassment when I find myself changed after watching a movie like "The Great Gatsby". 

"Learn to love the most, learn to be loved the least." 

Many of you, or maybe only some of you that enjoy being anonymous, have asked me questions like "Do you still love her?" and "Will you ever share your side of the story?". Some have given quite lengthy messages telling me to stay hopeful towards her, while others tell me politely to move on, stop trying to change what I can't, and that I have better days ahead. This post will be my public way of answering and responding to all of these messages.

I have a need to be needed. I not only love to be loved, but I breathe it, and without second thought, I allow anything that I can allow to fill the space love leaves when it leaves. Lately, and as before, they are not healthy things, but hurtful. Hurtful enough to make up for the amount of hurt that love is capable of giving, and numbing enough to make up for the amount of happiness that love is capable of providing. 

Today I've finally learned that the need to be loved is a need that shouldn't exist. 

This is regardless of the fact that the need to be loved is a need that can never be completely rid of. Clarifying, I am referring to the love that the majority of us search for--the animated Disney ending, the tear-jerking movie, the soulmate/princecharming/dreamgirl, kind of love. Needing to love hurts, and will always hurt, because most of the time, you'll always need more of it even once you've finally gotten it. Not to say that there aren't any exceptions to this. 

There are always the lucky ones. I've given up trying to be one of the lucky ones. 

It's the people who aren't loved that deserve it the most. 

Ironically, these are the people who have the opportunity to love the most. To amount to something greater than themselves, to amount to a change that everyone can feel, by sharing love. Sometimes, they settle for the small things; by being that art teacher at the middle school, by being the soup kitchen volunteer, by always going out of their way to find another smile on another face. It doesn't mean that they've stopped needing to be loved, or that the fact that this love refuses to find them has stopped hurting them inside. It only means that their capacity to love has grown as much as the time has of them not possessing love. These people live off the other love, the kind that you get from family, from friends, from people you mentor, and from people they've inspired. In their lack of being loved in the way we all want to be loved, they provide more of the love that keeps them breathing, and consequently provide the change in the world that makes it a better place. 

This isn't to say that they still don't hope for it. 

But hope is a dangerous thing--all good things in amounts of "too much" are the most dangerous. Not being loved also provides the more appealing route to give up. Most do, and they pass. Even death is a better place than a place without love. I've been on that route, though not completely. The great thing about giving up though, is until you've completely stopped breathing, you can always take steps forward. No matter how small they are, they're still farther than they were. 

I changed Krystle. Throughout our relationship, she was in a bad place, and she needed to change. She did. However, the transformation didn't completely finish until I hurt her. She's happier now, so please don't hate me for what I've done. 

In this same way, she's changed me. Throughout our relationship, unbeknownst to me, I was in a bad place. I needed to be loved on a large scale that I still live with, and that I am still ashamed of. She made that scale smaller. However, the transformation didn't completely finish until she hurt me. And only months after our breakup, after her love has completely gone away, that I've realized what transformation I'm meant to make. 


I've always wanted to change the world. I will now. 

But I still hope.